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 BPD: Alone, In The Night: Crying

Author: A.J. Mahari
Published on: August 12, 2OO1



If you have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) you may find yourself, alone, or feeling very alone, in the night, and crying. You may cry actual tears or you may feel depressed, empty, worthless and so misunderstood. You may "cry" by way of compulsive behaviour; overeating, eating and purging, spending (internet or tv purchases), or you may abuse drugs and or alcohol, or you may cut, or self-harm yourself in other ways -- because you are alone, feeling alone and "crying".

There is such a loneliness and an emptiness in not knowing who you are. There is such a deep and strong sense of being lost. This lostness can leave you feeling as though you are unworthy. The questions ring out loudly and strongly from the darkness of the night:

Who am I?

What is wrong with me?

Why am I always alone?

Why doesn't anyone care?

Why doesn't anyone understand me?

Why doesn't anyone love me?

The reason it seems that no one loves you is likely because you don't love you. When you don't know yourself, you can't love yourself. When you can't love yourself, you can't love others. This is one of the most profound reasons borderlines are often so alone. Even if there were 100 people in your house with you, you'd likely still feel that aching, lost, painful sense of being alone and misunderstood.

The reason that you are stuck with how you feel is largely because you continue to try to protect yourself through artificial and often unhealthy means. You cut or drink or act out in some other way, you curse and distance from those who try or have tried to love you and to know you. Why? Because you are too invested in wanting to protect yourself from your pain. The only way to change this is to learn to face your pain. You have to wade through the ocean that is your pain, learn to tread water and then to swim. You must swim through your ocean in order to get to the other side. There are no short cuts. There are no rescue boats. You, and you alone are responsible for how you feel. You, and you alone have the power to change how you feel.

You don't have to sit there alone, hurting, and lost in the dark of night. You do have choices. When one first decides to actively seek to recover from BPD, there is no doubt that all the choices seem to have one thing in common: PAIN. But, the choice to stay the same and to continue to "cry" alone in the dark of night is by far the most painful choice you can make. That choice, is the choice to continue to protect. Only you cannot protect yourself from this pain. You cannot hold it at bay. You will have to continue to drink, drug, act out, be needy, etc etc in slavery and victimhood to your pain if you do not choose to face it and to actively work to express it appropriately and thereby heal it.

BPD: Alone, In The Night: Crying - endless aching pain giving way only to mountains of anger and rage. Terror that sits underneathe it all houses the fears of a helpless little child. That child is looking to you: the adult now to release him/her from the throes of this agony. Those of us who have had or still have BPD, know all too well just how painful it is. But those of us who have recovered from BPD also know that not only is recovery possible but that it is not necessary or desirable to sit alone in the night, "crying" night after night. Life is to be lived, not merely survived. Dare to risk. Dare to go for it! Make the decision that you want to get out of the negative and find the positive. Ask yourself, is your life the "half-empty" glass or the "half-full glass". So much of your pain and suffering (no matter its roots in your past) is now the result of your own thoughts and perceptions. Thoughts and perceptions are not carved in stone - they can be changed.

In order to stop crying, cutting, using, abusing, etc, alone in the night, make the choice to get help and to stick with it. Make the choice to help yourself. Your inner-child, your spirit, your soul, they all await YOUR rescue. Stop waiting for someone else to rescue you - simply put, they can't! You have to make the choice and then follow through with the action that will allievate your suffering. It is up to you.

Oh the nights can be so relaxing and peaceful when pain is faced appropriately during the day. The nights can become a wonderfully-warm respite from all that is stressful and challenging in life. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

AAPEL - Back to BPD Borderline page

All the information in this site is aimed at helping people understand a "rather particular" and puzzling kind of disease
But more especially, to support everyone affected by it, sick or not.  In any case, it is ESSENTIAL to see a therapist who specialises in this field they can confirm or give an alternative diagnosis
The name of what you’ve got doesn’t matter so much, getting the right treatment for the right patient does